When you leave Sodom
I haven’t written anything in Chinese for a long time, because it reminds me of the fear that I’m being censored. I try to use English as much as I can, albeit it’s not possible to ignore the influence of the 22 years I spent there.
I’m confused, struggling, self-loathing, and despairing for a short time. I guess many Chinese people with liberated minds have similar struggles. Born in a country with authoritarianism, patriarchy, and fucking family violence, I’m attracted to freedom in a different context. Most of my friends would not agree with me. It’s either because they didn’t notice this unbalanced social structure, or they tried to circumvent such overwhelming thoughts that might cause a lot of pain. Ignorance is a bliss. But I’m grateful to the books I read, which are my red pills taken from Morpheus.
I don’t actually care what is happening there right now. The enlightened comment made by m, “people are not important there”, is like a wind blowing away the dark clouds. And I think that’s the answer to my confusion.
Although I don’t have a solution to this self-identity thing, I gradually give up. It’s very hard for ordinary people to change anything in my distant motherland. If I’m lucky enough, I don’t need to deal with those shit again. I just need to do some more important things, like watching a film with a friend, or having brunch in some cute restaurant.
When you leave Sodom, remember not to look back.